It's a Friday night and am sitting here watching good bad TV(yes, that's a thing) and wondering what it will take for me to learn the Joys of Solitude. The TV is off now so I can write better and have a moment. A moment full of what the hell is going on in my head? I feel good sitting here in my perfectly cooled room snuggled under the covers typing away but something is missing . My room is very close to to where I would like it to be cozy with oodles of me everywhere but there are loose ends like the framed poster still waiting to be put up. My life is also very close to where I would like it to be but just like the poster, some thing's are still undone. My life is right now just beyond the reach of perfection.
If you had asked me a year earlier I would have said that I would not have been able to do this and this was what I wanted most in the world. Love lost and gained making my head swirl in delirious circles. Oh what I would give to have some of my past back again and what I would give to keep what I have now. You win some and you lose some but what I keep coming back to struggle with is my inability to cope for long periods with my own company. Just my own company. Solitude and Loneliness two names - One shrouded in mystery and the other begging for sympathy. I have friends, family and the love of my life one phone call away but its my frustration with my relationship with my own self which makes me mad.
Like why, why can't I just enjoy my own company. Maybe it's about choice; that right now I may have no choice but to sleep alone because my most preferred option is many miles away and it would be too silly to inconvenience friends over pet peeves. But then again if I had a choice I would never choose solitude over the opportunity of having some company. I don't talk about this much because I dread sympathy in any form or shape and empathy is almost impossible to find these days. (See now re-reading this part I feel like I need to add disclaimers: the past I want back is basically my baby Whisku, a giant ball of canine love who lulled me into thinking that I am totally okay with my own company when I was only enjoying his and I would very much like some of my close friends and my partner in crime to move back into my city but I love my life now as well, my new house I share with dear friends, where my job is headed and to top off everything else I won the love lottery: the one in a million chance I took with my heart hit the impossible jackpot, our parents gave us their blessings and so the life plan is on track. That's all the details you will get from my blog about my love life)
Coming back to the subject of Solitude. The ultimate triumphant symbol of being independent and I can't seem to bite the bullet. But I have been already for many months now though if the definition of solitude does not equal having people sleeping two rooms away, then I am definitely on shaky grounds.
But how do I solve this and win this ultimate badge of freedom. I guess it works the same way everything else does, give it time, a good dose of goodwill and a large does of will power and things change little by little over months and years and suddenly you have up-leveled yourself to a new skill level. For now I shall keep my chin high and head down on my pillow and sprawl all over the bed to maximize space usage and just make the best of it. And 5yrs later I will be reading this and cursing myself as how I stupid I was to not have realized what a precious gift I had: just my own company!
If you had asked me a year earlier I would have said that I would not have been able to do this and this was what I wanted most in the world. Love lost and gained making my head swirl in delirious circles. Oh what I would give to have some of my past back again and what I would give to keep what I have now. You win some and you lose some but what I keep coming back to struggle with is my inability to cope for long periods with my own company. Just my own company. Solitude and Loneliness two names - One shrouded in mystery and the other begging for sympathy. I have friends, family and the love of my life one phone call away but its my frustration with my relationship with my own self which makes me mad.
Like why, why can't I just enjoy my own company. Maybe it's about choice; that right now I may have no choice but to sleep alone because my most preferred option is many miles away and it would be too silly to inconvenience friends over pet peeves. But then again if I had a choice I would never choose solitude over the opportunity of having some company. I don't talk about this much because I dread sympathy in any form or shape and empathy is almost impossible to find these days. (See now re-reading this part I feel like I need to add disclaimers: the past I want back is basically my baby Whisku, a giant ball of canine love who lulled me into thinking that I am totally okay with my own company when I was only enjoying his and I would very much like some of my close friends and my partner in crime to move back into my city but I love my life now as well, my new house I share with dear friends, where my job is headed and to top off everything else I won the love lottery: the one in a million chance I took with my heart hit the impossible jackpot, our parents gave us their blessings and so the life plan is on track. That's all the details you will get from my blog about my love life)
Coming back to the subject of Solitude. The ultimate triumphant symbol of being independent and I can't seem to bite the bullet. But I have been already for many months now though if the definition of solitude does not equal having people sleeping two rooms away, then I am definitely on shaky grounds.
But how do I solve this and win this ultimate badge of freedom. I guess it works the same way everything else does, give it time, a good dose of goodwill and a large does of will power and things change little by little over months and years and suddenly you have up-leveled yourself to a new skill level. For now I shall keep my chin high and head down on my pillow and sprawl all over the bed to maximize space usage and just make the best of it. And 5yrs later I will be reading this and cursing myself as how I stupid I was to not have realized what a precious gift I had: just my own company!
Comments
Post a Comment